Dark but shining

It's 10pm, it's January and it's Norway. Does that mean it's pitch black dark?
No.
There's twinkling stars and sparkling snow, like a glittering painting on a black colored canvas.
Sure half the stars I see are probably dead, the snow is just frozen H2O and the curls tumbling around my field of view are just dead cells growing out of crooked hair follicles.
But it's still magically beautiful.

And tomorrow I'll put on my superhero-costume, bring my sidekicks and endure my panic attacks the best I can.
I'll close my eyes and pretend I know nothing of needles or knives against my skin. And if I can just avoid thinking of the stitches in my skin afterwards maybe I wont throw up every minute.

I know. It's just a tooth and I'm gonna be ok.
But I'd rather go bungee jumping.

Gee, I wonder why I'm not a doctor or why I'm not a fan of Grey's Anatomy? I'm not phobic about this at all, I love such things.

For this song to work its real magic you need to turn up the volume until your ears might just burst.
That way it's easier to ignore the world and pretend it's not there.



am I being melodramatic?

Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?

People always have some expectations about you. What you should wear, how you should behave and what you should say. At least I expect people to have expectations and so I go out of my way to fulfill them.

But. I think. Maybe.
That I’m always wrong. What I expected people to expect rarely is what they were actually expecting. And sometimes I’m freaking out because of how much they expect from me and then it turns out they weren’t expecting much, if anything, at all.

What’s up with that?

I guess my only real critic is me. And I should stop ‘cause I’m tearing myself down.

[“why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?” – “Bad Habit” by The Dresden Dolls]

Just when I think I'm king, I just begin.

There's something about these weeks between September and October. Maybe it's the lack of potato-vacation. I do miss those. How do you grown-ups survive without them?

I crashed at the same time last year.
This year I'm gonna surpass it though. Yush.

It's so weird. I love this season's weather and temperature. I love the colors. I love the wind. I love how everyone's in the middle of routines and projects. There's something safe and stable about that.
But for some reason all my silly thoughts pops up. All the evil thoughts. The irritated, slothful, hating, whining, stupid and unnecessary thoughts. All the thoughts that should be kept locked up and hidden.
I think I let most of it out on myself though, I hope I don't throw it at others too much.



["Just when I think I'm king, I just begin" - "Sat In Your Lap" by Kate Bush]

Oh my twitchy witchy girl~

So. This morning was just weird. When I finally found my way out of my warm cozy covers and my warm cozy purring cat I couldn't find my stockings. and I couldn't find my socks. And I couldn't find the shirt I wanted to wear. And I couldn't find my water bottle. And after searching and finally finding everything the time was I'll-miss-the-train'o clock, but I went anyways, 'cause then my mam will see that I tried and I wont get her pointless speech.  But I decided it didn't matter, I could eat my breakfast at the station (I always pack it with me, 'cause it takes an hour or two for me to get hungry so I'm never ready for breakfast until I've left home) and take it easy. Today's class isn't really a hard one, so I'll catch up in no time. And I've been to ALL the other ones so far. So I sat there waiting for the next train, but then I decided that this was a silly day not worth the trouble. So I went home and baked cookies instead.

I can make cookies with oat and honey. They're really tasty. ^.^

Would I make a good mam or what? With cookies and band aids and I don't know.

(Not to worry, there's no baby-plans yet, I'm just imagining the future because it's fun)

["Oh my twitchy witchy girl I think you are so nice. I give you bowls of porridge and I give bowls of ice cream. I give you lots of kisses and I give you lots of hugs, but I never give you sandwiches with bugs in."- Coraline by Neil Gaiman]